So this is what it is all about – it is about going with the flow. It is about paying attention and allowing things to unfold in their own time. It's about not having any agenda and not knowing how or where or when. It is about being completely open to Life and trusting something else is working through us. It is about being completely guided, not having any plan at all. But this is incredibly scary because it is about completely relinquishing my own will, (and I have an incredibly strong one!) and about dropping all attempts to control or direct my life. It is about aligning with Spirit so that Spirit leads me, rather than me trying to get Spirit to give me what it is I think I want or need, or to help me do what I think I should be doing.
As I go deeper into this letting go, I am becoming more aware of a deep underlying anxiety. It manifests as hyper sensitivity and alertness. I notice my muscles contracting, my breathing being tight and shallow. I become fixated on my health or solving a problem or worrying about the future, something which sometimes I do not even dare to think about. I know I am letting go and trying to hold on all at the same time. Or rather, my Conscious Self is letting go and my unconscious self is in a state of deep terror and recurrent waves of anxiety. I thought letting go it would be a clear moment, a specific event but it is not – it is a continual, gradual process.
I want to be relaxed. I want to go with the flow – something I experience much of the time. But it threatens something deep inside me, so I am letting go, letting go, letting go - then suddenly I find I am gritting my teeth again. I realise I am going deeper and deeper into it, getting further and further away from all that feels safe and familiar – all those self imposed limits and strategies for staying in control. Part of me refuses to let go, or rather, I find myself contracting again as if my very life was at stake.
I know there is no way back to the way things were. My Conscious Self understands this and totally embraces it; but my ego thinks I must be about to fall. My ego wants it all to be over, to get back to feeling like I am standing on tried and tested solid 'real' ground. But now I am floating freely, joyously even, but not yet completely trusting that I am not going to come crashing down at any moment to hit the ground with a thud. I accept my fears and gently allow myself to adjust to this new reality, to accept that this floating sensation is is what it feels like to let go, to surrender completely. I strengthen my faith in The Divine Plan and my trust that when I let go I can be safely carried to where ever I need to go.
Every day is a genuine new adventure, every step a journey deeper into the unknown.... and scary as it is, this is what it means to truly live.
Freja ♥
Showing posts with label Surrender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Surrender. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Learning to Go With The Flow...
Happy Summer Solstice!
Only 6 months to go...
I really have absolutely no idea what life has in sort... Sort? I actually meant to write store. I am doing a massive sort out at the moment, maybe that was a confirmation of what life has in store for the time being?
For the first time in my life, I have completely let go. I have no plans, no goals, and absolutely no idea where I am going! OK, I have to be honest here - I have spent much of the first 6 months of this year kicking, screaming and wailing against the relentless 'melt down' I have been experiencing. I kept thinking I had finished then yet another 'thing' would come a long. It was like, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! NOT THIS TOO!!! But once the process started, there really was no going back and now that I am on the other side (with absolutely nothing left to let go of), I feel totally amazing. It was definitely worth the pain and angst. I have been stripped so bare that people have been asking me if I have lost weight, when actually I put on half a stone with my wide eyed comfort eating.
I have spent my life being very goal oriented. From about the age of 12 I can remember making distinct, big decisions to turn my life around and/or to focus all my energy on something positive or disciplined. I have always felt like I was on some BIG mission. The older I got the stronger and more urgent the calling felt. (No surprises then that I named this blog 'Mission Possible'!)
I created this blog in an attempt to other help people with the 2012 transition. I wanted to be all 'on the case' with regular blogging – like my usual 'on the case' self. Of course I really had absolutely no idea what the scale of the 'transition' life was going to put me through or that my process would render me completely speechless, not to mention emotionally and physically drained for much of the time.
I have been blown away by the last 12 - 18 months but it feels it is now time to have another go of writing this blog. However, I must warn you – I am no longer on a mission to do anything! I have been transformed by the Gods from Ms Incredibly Dynamic into Ms Go With The Flow which still feels a little strange and trippy at times. Though I believe my own transition is now complete, I am still getting used to living in this very different state of Being, an adjustment which is not at all helped by the fact that the very state itself involves being OK with having absolutely no idea where I am going or what I am 'meant' to be doing... Don't you just love the great ironies of life?
Just as a little funny 'synchronicity' anecdote; someone gave me an film to watch recently called 'I Know Where I Am Going!' - and yes that exclamation mark really is part of the title! I have had the film a few weeks, but only watched it a few days ago and I swear the main character was me. If you too are struggling with your sense of purpose or goals in life being thwarted, you might want to give it a viewing. It is a story about ambitions in love - but you can apply it to anything.
So, all I can do now is follow The Flow and see where life takes me, trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it should...
Freja ♥
Only 6 months to go...
I really have absolutely no idea what life has in sort... Sort? I actually meant to write store. I am doing a massive sort out at the moment, maybe that was a confirmation of what life has in store for the time being?
For the first time in my life, I have completely let go. I have no plans, no goals, and absolutely no idea where I am going! OK, I have to be honest here - I have spent much of the first 6 months of this year kicking, screaming and wailing against the relentless 'melt down' I have been experiencing. I kept thinking I had finished then yet another 'thing' would come a long. It was like, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! NOT THIS TOO!!! But once the process started, there really was no going back and now that I am on the other side (with absolutely nothing left to let go of), I feel totally amazing. It was definitely worth the pain and angst. I have been stripped so bare that people have been asking me if I have lost weight, when actually I put on half a stone with my wide eyed comfort eating.
I have spent my life being very goal oriented. From about the age of 12 I can remember making distinct, big decisions to turn my life around and/or to focus all my energy on something positive or disciplined. I have always felt like I was on some BIG mission. The older I got the stronger and more urgent the calling felt. (No surprises then that I named this blog 'Mission Possible'!)
I created this blog in an attempt to other help people with the 2012 transition. I wanted to be all 'on the case' with regular blogging – like my usual 'on the case' self. Of course I really had absolutely no idea what the scale of the 'transition' life was going to put me through or that my process would render me completely speechless, not to mention emotionally and physically drained for much of the time.
I have been blown away by the last 12 - 18 months but it feels it is now time to have another go of writing this blog. However, I must warn you – I am no longer on a mission to do anything! I have been transformed by the Gods from Ms Incredibly Dynamic into Ms Go With The Flow which still feels a little strange and trippy at times. Though I believe my own transition is now complete, I am still getting used to living in this very different state of Being, an adjustment which is not at all helped by the fact that the very state itself involves being OK with having absolutely no idea where I am going or what I am 'meant' to be doing... Don't you just love the great ironies of life?
Just as a little funny 'synchronicity' anecdote; someone gave me an film to watch recently called 'I Know Where I Am Going!' - and yes that exclamation mark really is part of the title! I have had the film a few weeks, but only watched it a few days ago and I swear the main character was me. If you too are struggling with your sense of purpose or goals in life being thwarted, you might want to give it a viewing. It is a story about ambitions in love - but you can apply it to anything.
So, all I can do now is follow The Flow and see where life takes me, trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it should...
Freja ♥
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Surrendering and the 2012 'Ascension Process'
Well, this really is proof that time is speeding up - I seriously cannot believe that I haven't written on this site since the end of October 2011 AND I cannot believe how much has happened ! I really wanted this blog to be regular little increments but I have been so 'in it' for so many months now that it is really hard to keep on top of the writing. So, rather than waiting until things 'calm down', (which clearly may still take a little while,) I am just going to ahead and write while I can...
Last October I described my build up to 2012 experiences as being like waves that took over me and made me COMPLETELY surrender. This is something I have always found incredibly difficult in the past, but over the last year I simply no longer have the energy (or the will) to put up a fight. Last year I lost a major relationship (and all the delusions about love that I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old), broke contact with my step mother (who I grew up with and had been trying to 'sort things out with' for many years), and suffered a prolapsed disc which put me in hospital for a week led to major spinal surgery. In all these scenarios I actually felt a tremendous release which I find still incredibly difficult to describe. (See older posts for more details.)
In addition to these seemingly traumatic experiences, which were all about letting go of HUGE stuff that had been holding me back all my life, I also had some amazing spiritual 'opening up' and 'downloading' experiences. Then at the end of 2011, a few weeks after my last post, I hit a massive emotional wall which was a lot more difficult to contend with than all the rest of 2011 put together because of the sheer depth of despair I was experiencing and there being no obvious event to attribute it to. I was swinging from feeling suicidal to homicidal on a daily basis and felt like I had been 'taken over' by dark feelings that just didn't seem to belong to me. Well, it turns out I had been 'infultrated' by the pharmecutical pain killers I had recently stopped taking - I just didn't realise that was what it was for about two months...
Although this emotional tail spin was essentially drug induced, it turned out to be a major part of the 'clearing out' process which accompanies the '2012 shift' - otherwise known as the acension process. I soon noticed that the last time I had felt that level of pain was when I had an emotional breakdown at the age of 18. I was able to spend time reflecting on this, thankfully with some detachment despite the intensity of the feelings. Part of the healing came from the fact that this time round I didn't have to hide my pain and was therefore able to deal with it and get the support I needed. Most importantly, even though I didn't really understand what was happening while I was in the process, I trusted absolutely that I would come through to the other side and that everything would be OK.
When I was a traumatised teenager who was kicked out of home (through no fault of my own) while already in a state of accute emotional pain, I just had to keep going with absolutely no support from anyone and no idea how I was ever going to get through it. Ironically it was that terrible pain and isolation coupled with my unwavering determination to not 'let go' (for fear that I would not make it) that got me to this point today. It was then that I began my spiritual journey of self discovery and healing. It really was 'do or die' and thankfully I chose to 'do' or I don't think I would have survived. But this time there was no need to 'do' or 'try' or fight against anything - because that awful struggle is over and I can thankfully completely surrender and finally LET GO. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Breathe a huge sigh of relief with me!)
So anyway, here we are already 3 months into 2012. You'll be pleased to know that I managed to process the emotional wall and come out of the other side. (Thankfully I wasn't relying on my GP - they were no more help this time than they were in 1989, which I find absolutely shocking.)
So far 2012 has brought some very interesting positive developments in my life, though as you can probably imagine I am slightly wary about any developments at all after last year! (What may I ask, could the Universe be throwing at me next? Something GOOD? Are we SURE?!!) Actually, I have adopted a much more philosophical and balanced approach to life on both the 'positive' and 'negative' ends of the spectrum, so when faced with the posibility of something good happening, I no longer get all excited and throw myself in the deep end which was always how I 'embraced' life before. It isn't that negativity or cynicism that has finally got the better of me, something much more healthy has calmed me down; something that is often refered to as non attachment.
This isn't a feined 'I don't care' or an offensive 'whatever' attitude - the kind of protective mask we can sometimes hide behind to stop ourselves getting hurt. No, this is actually something much more profound and empowering because it is rooted in a genuine knowledge that whatever happens, it will be OK. Call it faith in God/dess, call it trusting life, or call it being older and wiser - I just know things will work out for the best and that I don't have to make it happen. (i.e. push, try, beg, plead, barter, manipulate, cajole, etc etc)
I am no longer afraid of losing anything or anyone, least of all some thing/one that the Universe knows I no longer need. There is absolutely no point in hanging on to anything or anyone - they will either stay or they will go, it will either happen or it will not. And, in the end - it really doesn't matter either way because what is truly yours will always be yours, or will find a way back to you, no matter what you do. And what isn't yours, won't stick around - and now it is time to let it go... It really is that simple!
So yes, there have been some interesting, unexpected and very surprising developments in my life. I am currently taking things one day/step at a time so I can watch how events unfold and respond appropriately, while enjoying this wonderfully calm, balanced new approach to life...
Freja ♥
Last October I described my build up to 2012 experiences as being like waves that took over me and made me COMPLETELY surrender. This is something I have always found incredibly difficult in the past, but over the last year I simply no longer have the energy (or the will) to put up a fight. Last year I lost a major relationship (and all the delusions about love that I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old), broke contact with my step mother (who I grew up with and had been trying to 'sort things out with' for many years), and suffered a prolapsed disc which put me in hospital for a week led to major spinal surgery. In all these scenarios I actually felt a tremendous release which I find still incredibly difficult to describe. (See older posts for more details.)
In addition to these seemingly traumatic experiences, which were all about letting go of HUGE stuff that had been holding me back all my life, I also had some amazing spiritual 'opening up' and 'downloading' experiences. Then at the end of 2011, a few weeks after my last post, I hit a massive emotional wall which was a lot more difficult to contend with than all the rest of 2011 put together because of the sheer depth of despair I was experiencing and there being no obvious event to attribute it to. I was swinging from feeling suicidal to homicidal on a daily basis and felt like I had been 'taken over' by dark feelings that just didn't seem to belong to me. Well, it turns out I had been 'infultrated' by the pharmecutical pain killers I had recently stopped taking - I just didn't realise that was what it was for about two months...
Although this emotional tail spin was essentially drug induced, it turned out to be a major part of the 'clearing out' process which accompanies the '2012 shift' - otherwise known as the acension process. I soon noticed that the last time I had felt that level of pain was when I had an emotional breakdown at the age of 18. I was able to spend time reflecting on this, thankfully with some detachment despite the intensity of the feelings. Part of the healing came from the fact that this time round I didn't have to hide my pain and was therefore able to deal with it and get the support I needed. Most importantly, even though I didn't really understand what was happening while I was in the process, I trusted absolutely that I would come through to the other side and that everything would be OK.
When I was a traumatised teenager who was kicked out of home (through no fault of my own) while already in a state of accute emotional pain, I just had to keep going with absolutely no support from anyone and no idea how I was ever going to get through it. Ironically it was that terrible pain and isolation coupled with my unwavering determination to not 'let go' (for fear that I would not make it) that got me to this point today. It was then that I began my spiritual journey of self discovery and healing. It really was 'do or die' and thankfully I chose to 'do' or I don't think I would have survived. But this time there was no need to 'do' or 'try' or fight against anything - because that awful struggle is over and I can thankfully completely surrender and finally LET GO. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Breathe a huge sigh of relief with me!)
So anyway, here we are already 3 months into 2012. You'll be pleased to know that I managed to process the emotional wall and come out of the other side. (Thankfully I wasn't relying on my GP - they were no more help this time than they were in 1989, which I find absolutely shocking.)
So far 2012 has brought some very interesting positive developments in my life, though as you can probably imagine I am slightly wary about any developments at all after last year! (What may I ask, could the Universe be throwing at me next? Something GOOD? Are we SURE?!!) Actually, I have adopted a much more philosophical and balanced approach to life on both the 'positive' and 'negative' ends of the spectrum, so when faced with the posibility of something good happening, I no longer get all excited and throw myself in the deep end which was always how I 'embraced' life before. It isn't that negativity or cynicism that has finally got the better of me, something much more healthy has calmed me down; something that is often refered to as non attachment.
This isn't a feined 'I don't care' or an offensive 'whatever' attitude - the kind of protective mask we can sometimes hide behind to stop ourselves getting hurt. No, this is actually something much more profound and empowering because it is rooted in a genuine knowledge that whatever happens, it will be OK. Call it faith in God/dess, call it trusting life, or call it being older and wiser - I just know things will work out for the best and that I don't have to make it happen. (i.e. push, try, beg, plead, barter, manipulate, cajole, etc etc)
I am no longer afraid of losing anything or anyone, least of all some thing/one that the Universe knows I no longer need. There is absolutely no point in hanging on to anything or anyone - they will either stay or they will go, it will either happen or it will not. And, in the end - it really doesn't matter either way because what is truly yours will always be yours, or will find a way back to you, no matter what you do. And what isn't yours, won't stick around - and now it is time to let it go... It really is that simple!
So yes, there have been some interesting, unexpected and very surprising developments in my life. I am currently taking things one day/step at a time so I can watch how events unfold and respond appropriately, while enjoying this wonderfully calm, balanced new approach to life...
Freja ♥
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