Saturday, 14 July 2012

2012: The Big Picture

Yesterday I realised two major things. Firstly, that the Ascension is a birthing process; I have literally been experiencing 'giving birth' to my Self over the last 18 months. On an micro/personal level, this is what each individual soul must go through in order to ascend. By sharing our personal stories and our 'strength and hope' with others, we give much needed support to those who are embarking on this magnificent and sometimes terrifying journey. I will continue to do this and hope you too will be inspired to share your comments, queries and stories on this site.

Secondly, I have become aware that everything required to activate the social 'break down' process in Britain is now in place and there really is no going back. Although I am aware that this 'break down' process is in fact global and already underway, things are going to snowball significantly over the next few years and presently I feel best able to comment on what is happening in my own country. I am sure that similar things will be or are already happening in other so called 'developed' (rich) countries, so even if you do not live in Britain, I am sure you will still relate to much of what I am going to be writing about.

I am not trying to sound melodramatic or fatalistic. I believe knowledge is power and I am absolutely sure that this is why humanity has been blessed with the gift of the internet at such a deeply challenging time. I also believe that we need to prepare ourselves for what is realistically going to transpire over the next 5 years because of very real decisions that have already been made by very real politicians who currently hold very real power over every aspect of our lives. I am not talking about aliens, meteriorites or the end of the world, I am talking about the complete break down of society which is being precipitated by those currently in power stubbornly refusing to change.

This isn't about scare mongering it is about Being Prepared.

I have always seen '2012' as both a personal and collective process but I have tried to remain 'unpolitical' in my comments so far. While I have always been politically aware and active to some degree, in my mid twenties I realised that ranting and raging at 'The Establishment' could easily be used as a distraction from facing inner demons. I was aware that I had some major work to do on myself and knew instictively that dealing with these 'inner' issues would not only help me, but it would actually be my first real step towards helping to 'save the world'.

After 20 years of hard graft 'working on myself', I now feel it is time to bring the two together; the personal and the political, the macro and the micro, the inner and the outer worlds. When healing the world, you really can't just deal with one side of the coin, you must find a way to synthesise it all. I still firmly believe that we must always begin with ourselves, because ultimately we are powerless over others. And also, as Maggie quoted in her comments on the last post: 'you save yourself or you remain unsaved'

I have so much to write about it is sometimes hard to know where to begin so I will start by letting you know that this blog is evolving just as we all are and it will now include my thoughts and insights on the macro/ political/ outer world as well as insights and experiences on the Micro / personal/ inner world. And I will attempt to tie it all together for you! : )

Watch this space!


Thursday, 12 July 2012

'Be a Light Unto Yourself'...

I am so in this process I often don't know if I am coming or going. Just as I come up for air, I get pulled under again...

A recent situation with an ex sent me back into the vortex. There further in to this process I go the less I have to lean on because all my old coping mechanisms (including another incredibly powerful and enduring fantasy about the relationship with my ex) are being disabled or stripped away from me. It has been a very close call since last week's full moon and I honestly have never been so close to the edge of my sanity. I nearly called for the men in white coats to come and take me away... ANYTHING would be better than this.

But what is this?

This is not being mobile as my back is threatening to prolapse again. Not being able to get or stay in a 'normal' job. Not knowing where I am going to move to or when, when I know I am going to have to soon. Having one trauma or 'set back' after another, relentlessly for 18 months. Having everything I have been trying to 'make work' all my life fail stupendously. Realising I have not had a single close healthy relationship with a man ever in my life (just an enormous 'grave yard' full of traumatic relationships I have ceaselessly had to leave behind...) Being alone in my flat 95% of the time and no longer even having a fantasy left to protect me!   

Protection from what?

From THIS, from the nothingness – The Void. I am completely and utterly on my own. I am not really 'attached' to anyone or anything. All my support is (gratefully) received from afar. I have no boyfriend, 'best friend', family member, no job, no project or mission, no plan, no idea where I am going, no sense of anything 'holding me down' or defining me; I am simply existing. I have no mountain to climb, no resolution to find, no problem to fix. I have no individual relationship nor role in the world to define me and every time I try to attach myself to (or even simply hang onto) someone or something, it all spectacularly blows up in my face! 

All that is left is ME. The terrifying panic comes from the belief that without those relationships/roles defining me and giving me a sense of security in the world, I am just floating along a meandering river or drifting with the tide and that my life is completely meaningless. Without the day to day drama of relationships with family, partners, children and close friends or even a job, project or goals for the future, who the hell are we?

While I was in the midst of my emotional crisis a good friend sent me a text with some very wise words...

'Be a light unto yourself;
Be take yourself to no external refuge.
Hold fast to the truth.
Look not to anyone for refuge besides yourself.'

The Buddha

Perhaps easier said than done Mr Buddha!!!!