So this is what it is all about – it is about going with the flow. It is about paying attention and allowing things to unfold in their own time. It's about not having any agenda and not knowing how or where or when. It is about being completely open to Life and trusting something else is working through us. It is about being completely guided, not having any plan at all. But this is incredibly scary because it is about completely relinquishing my own will, (and I have an incredibly strong one!) and about dropping all attempts to control or direct my life. It is about aligning with Spirit so that Spirit leads me, rather than me trying to get Spirit to give me what it is I think I want or need, or to help me do what I think I should be doing.
As I go deeper into this letting go, I am becoming more aware of a deep underlying anxiety. It manifests as hyper sensitivity and alertness. I notice my muscles contracting, my breathing being tight and shallow. I become fixated on my health or solving a problem or worrying about the future, something which sometimes I do not even dare to think about. I know I am letting go and trying to hold on all at the same time. Or rather, my Conscious Self is letting go and my unconscious self is in a state of deep terror and recurrent waves of anxiety. I thought letting go it would be a clear moment, a specific event but it is not – it is a continual, gradual process.
I want to be relaxed. I want to go with the flow – something I experience much of the time. But it threatens something deep inside me, so I am letting go, letting go, letting go - then suddenly I find I am gritting my teeth again. I realise I am going deeper and deeper into it, getting further and further away from all that feels safe and familiar – all those self imposed limits and strategies for staying in control. Part of me refuses to let go, or rather, I find myself contracting again as if my very life was at stake.
I know there is no way back to the way things were. My Conscious Self understands this and totally embraces it; but my ego thinks I must be about to fall. My ego wants it all to be over, to get back to feeling like I am standing on tried and tested solid 'real' ground. But now I am floating freely, joyously even, but not yet completely trusting that I am not going to come crashing down at any moment to hit the ground with a thud. I accept my fears and gently allow myself to adjust to this new reality, to accept that this floating sensation is is what it feels like to let go, to surrender completely. I strengthen my faith in The Divine Plan and my trust that when I let go I can be safely carried to where ever I need to go.
Every day is a genuine new adventure, every step a journey deeper into the unknown.... and scary as it is, this is what it means to truly live.