Well, this really is proof that time is speeding up - I seriously cannot believe that I haven't written on this site since the end of October 2011 AND I cannot believe how much has happened ! I really wanted this blog to be regular little increments but I have been so 'in it' for so many months now that it is really hard to keep on top of the writing. So, rather than waiting until things 'calm down', (which clearly may still take a little while,) I am just going to ahead and write while I can...
Last October I described my build up to 2012 experiences as being like waves that took over me and made me COMPLETELY surrender. This is something I have always found incredibly difficult in the past, but over the last year I simply no longer have the energy (or the will) to put up a fight. Last year I lost a major relationship (and all the delusions about love that I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old), broke contact with my step mother (who I grew up with and had been trying to 'sort things out with' for many years), and suffered a prolapsed disc which put me in hospital for a week led to major spinal surgery. In all these scenarios I actually felt a tremendous release which I find still incredibly difficult to describe. (See older posts for more details.)
In addition to these seemingly traumatic experiences, which were all about letting go of HUGE stuff that had been holding me back all my life, I also had some amazing spiritual 'opening up' and 'downloading' experiences. Then at the end of 2011, a few weeks after my last post, I hit a massive emotional wall which was a lot more difficult to contend with than all the rest of 2011 put together because of the sheer depth of despair I was experiencing and there being no obvious event to attribute it to. I was swinging from feeling suicidal to homicidal on a daily basis and felt like I had been 'taken over' by dark feelings that just didn't seem to belong to me. Well, it turns out I had been 'infultrated' by the pharmecutical pain killers I had recently stopped taking - I just didn't realise that was what it was for about two months...
Although this emotional tail spin was essentially drug induced, it turned out to be a major part of the 'clearing out' process which accompanies the '2012 shift' - otherwise known as the acension process. I soon noticed that the last time I had felt that level of pain was when I had an emotional breakdown at the age of 18. I was able to spend time reflecting on this, thankfully with some detachment despite the intensity of the feelings. Part of the healing came from the fact that this time round I didn't have to hide my pain and was therefore able to deal with it and get the support I needed. Most importantly, even though I didn't really understand what was happening while I was in the process, I trusted absolutely that I would come through to the other side and that everything would be OK.
When I was a traumatised teenager who was kicked out of home (through no fault of my own) while already in a state of accute emotional pain, I just had to keep going with absolutely no support from anyone and no idea how I was ever going to get through it. Ironically it was that terrible pain and isolation coupled with my unwavering determination to not 'let go' (for fear that I would not make it) that got me to this point today. It was then that I began my spiritual journey of self discovery and healing. It really was 'do or die' and thankfully I chose to 'do' or I don't think I would have survived. But this time there was no need to 'do' or 'try' or fight against anything - because that awful struggle is over and I can thankfully completely surrender and finally LET GO. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Breathe a huge sigh of relief with me!)
So anyway, here we are already 3 months into 2012. You'll be pleased to know that I managed to process the emotional wall and come out of the other side. (Thankfully I wasn't relying on my GP - they were no more help this time than they were in 1989, which I find absolutely shocking.)
So far 2012 has brought some very interesting positive developments in my life, though as you can probably imagine I am slightly wary about any developments at all after last year! (What may I ask, could the Universe be throwing at me next? Something GOOD? Are we SURE?!!) Actually, I have adopted a much more philosophical and balanced approach to life on both the 'positive' and 'negative' ends of the spectrum, so when faced with the posibility of something good happening, I no longer get all excited and throw myself in the deep end which was always how I 'embraced' life before. It isn't that negativity or cynicism that has finally got the better of me, something much more healthy has calmed me down; something that is often refered to as non attachment.
This isn't a feined 'I don't care' or an offensive 'whatever' attitude - the kind of protective mask we can sometimes hide behind to stop ourselves getting hurt. No, this is actually something much more profound and empowering because it is rooted in a genuine knowledge that whatever happens, it will be OK. Call it faith in God/dess, call it trusting life, or call it being older and wiser - I just know things will work out for the best and that I don't have to make it happen. (i.e. push, try, beg, plead, barter, manipulate, cajole, etc etc)
I am no longer afraid of losing anything or anyone, least of all some thing/one that the Universe knows I no longer need. There is absolutely no point in hanging on to anything or anyone - they will either stay or they will go, it will either happen or it will not. And, in the end - it really doesn't matter either way because what is truly yours will always be yours, or will find a way back to you, no matter what you do. And what isn't yours, won't stick around - and now it is time to let it go... It really is that simple!
So yes, there have been some interesting, unexpected and very surprising developments in my life. I am currently taking things one day/step at a time so I can watch how events unfold and respond appropriately, while enjoying this wonderfully calm, balanced new approach to life...