I am so in this process I often don't know if I am coming or going. Just as I come up for air, I get pulled under again...
A recent situation with an ex sent me back into the vortex. There further in to this process I go the less I have to lean on because all my old coping mechanisms (including another incredibly powerful and enduring fantasy about the relationship with my ex) are being disabled or stripped away from me. It has been a very close call since last week's full moon and I honestly have never been so close to the edge of my sanity. I nearly called for the men in white coats to come and take me away... ANYTHING would be better than this.
But what is this?
This is not being mobile as my back is threatening to prolapse again. Not being able to get or stay in a 'normal' job. Not knowing where I am going to move to or when, when I know I am going to have to soon. Having one trauma or 'set back' after another, relentlessly for 18 months. Having everything I have been trying to 'make work' all my life fail stupendously. Realising I have not had a single close healthy relationship with a man ever in my life (just an enormous 'grave yard' full of traumatic relationships I have ceaselessly had to leave behind...) Being alone in my flat 95% of the time and no longer even having a fantasy left to protect me!
Protection from what?
From THIS, from the nothingness – The Void. I am completely and utterly on my own. I am not really 'attached' to anyone or anything. All my support is (gratefully) received from afar. I have no boyfriend, 'best friend', family member, no job, no project or mission, no plan, no idea where I am going, no sense of anything 'holding me down' or defining me; I am simply existing. I have no mountain to climb, no resolution to find, no problem to fix. I have no individual relationship nor role in the world to define me and every time I try to attach myself to (or even simply hang onto) someone or something, it all spectacularly blows up in my face!
All that is left is ME. The terrifying panic comes from the belief that without those relationships/roles defining me and giving me a sense of security in the world, I am just floating along a meandering river or drifting with the tide and that my life is completely meaningless. Without the day to day drama of relationships with family, partners, children and close friends or even a job, project or goals for the future, who the hell are we?
While I was in the midst of my emotional crisis a good friend sent me a text with some very wise words...
'Be a light unto yourself;
Be take yourself to no external refuge.
Hold fast to the truth.
Look not to anyone for refuge besides yourself.'
Perhaps easier said than done Mr Buddha!!!!