Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Death, Rebirth and What Comes Next...

Since I began writing this blog, my understanding of 2012 and the objectives of this website have evolved beyond all recognition. Initially I thought I was going be recording insights and general observations while encouraging others to take on the 2012 ‘spiritual challenge’. However, almost as soon as I committed to writing MissionPossible2012, my personal world began falling apart on a major scale. Suddenly I found myself right in the middle of the 2012 process instead of simply observing it. I wonder if perhaps unconsciously I had committed to writing this blog to help me remain conscious during the challenging process I was about to undertake...

A few weeks after I began this blog, I had a major break up with Mr Wonderful – the ‘spiritually aware’ man I felt I had been waiting for all my life. After two years together, I was devastated to discover our relationship was a long way from ‘conscious’ but rather it was based on mutual dependency which was cleverly covered up with fantasy and illusion. Then soon after we split, I reached breaking point with (most of) my family and finally walked away after years of trying to work things out and find a resolution. Shortly after this I suffered a second severe prolapsed disc that landed me in hospital and required urgent spinal surgery. When I came out of hospital to recuperate in October 2011, I thought I had reached rock bottom in my life and would soon be on the way back up, just in time for the arrival of 2012. I thought there couldn’t possibly be any more for me to have to face up to and deal with. How wrong was I!!! 

I began 2012 with the worst depression and anxiety of my life. I had severe mood swings which went from suicidal to homicidal and I felt complete terror whenever I thought about my future. Though these feelings were triggered by my hospitalisation and all the painkillers, all they had done was lift the lid and reveal the underlying hopelessness and pain I had been carrying deep within me since childhood. I felt like I had fallen off the edge of the earth. I had no sense of security, purpose or direction and I felt completely powerless to do anything about it. I couldn’t believe I had been struggling with my healing for over 20 years only to end up single, childless, jobless and incapacitated the age of 40. Hardly a Beacon of Light for Humanity!

In this sorry state I psychically ‘called’ an ex. Sure enough, 5 weeks later I received an email. We had not had any contact for about three years, but he had searched for me online and found my email address. In 2007 I had resolutely walked away from our (extremely) dysfunctional on-off relationship in search of Mr Wonderful. However, I had not yet reached an inner resolution; I had simply put my intense desire for him in a securely padlocked box and hidden it under the bed for safe keeping. Despite the enormous difficulties in our relationship, I still held onto our ‘special’ psychic bond and believed us to be soul mates that just couldn’t be together in the physical world. 

I would have never psychically called him to me if I hadn’t have been in such a weakened state, but as it turned out, I did need to take that carefully stored box out from under the bed and take another look inside. When he contacted me I wasn’t at all surprised and though I was extremely wary of getting involved again, I made the decision to consciously engage with my desire to find out what it was really made of. When I opened my heart to him without reservation I discovered to my dismay that our special bond was yet another fantasy based on dependency and power struggles that I was no longer interested in. So after eight years of intense attraction, I was finally able to let him go.

In 12 months I had lost the two most significant loves of my life. Once I let them go I found that I also lost the flame of inner desire, something that had been keeping me going all through my adult life. Never had I felt so completely and utterly cut off from the opposite sex. As this second relationship came to a final close, I knew that I had to move house and find a way to sort out my working life and finances, so when my back started to get bad again, I plummeted into an even deeper level of despair. On one level I understood I must still be in the process, it’s just I just couldn't understand what God wanted from me – it was like I was being asked to survive on thin air. I truly felt that if things were to keep going the way they were, I just wasn’t going to make it.

At the end of August 2012 I finally did hit rock bottom, a rock bottom I discovered, that had been following me around like a shadow since childhood. I had spent my life trying to out smart it, but it was always there right beside me. I had to face my deepest fears and I had to have everything in my life stripped away from me before I would be able to do it. I had asked for this experience because I wanted to heal and I was clearly ready for it, but that didn’t stop my terrified ego fighting every step of the way. But on the 23rd of August, I finally gave in to it; I allowed myself to die. I realised I didn’t need to physically die to bring my suffering to a final conclusion, I saw that I could allow myself to die and be reborn on a spiritual level. All I had to do was give up the struggle to survive and control and hand myself and my life over completely to the care of The Goddess.

For nearly 2 years I was gripped in Her birth canal being squeezed with increasingly excruciating, terrifying contractions. Somehow I had managed to survive the re-birthing process and I am sure that being aware of the 2012 Ascension process provided me with an anchor. As soon as I had completed my re-birthing, my life began to move forward again. I still didn’t have any idea where I needed to be or what I needed to be doing, so I asked for guidance and waited. Within three weeks I received three dreams all showing me that I needed to move back to Bristol, so I figured that this was whaty I must do. I had very mixed feelings about doing this but I had put my life into the hands of The Goddess and trusted the guidance I was given. Within two months of my Shamanic death, I was welcomed back to Bristol with open arms and my back was better than it had been in over 3 years.

Though the actual move unfolded perfectly, inwardly I was screaming. I had been holed up by myself in the countryside for months on end spending most of my time connecting with nature, Spirit and myself. Despite my isolation and foreboding about the future, I actually felt extremely comfortable and safe in my cosy flat surrounded by trees and beautiful countryside. I was feeling extremely sensitive, anti social and resistant and yet Spirit was clearly guiding me to move to back to the city. When I first arrived I felt like a new born overwhelmed with the noise and the lights and the people, and like a new born I screamed and cried with the shock. But I knew in my heart that I was exactly where I was meant to be and that in time I would adjust...  
All the time I have been writing this blog I have been wanting to get my own process ‘out of the way’ so I could get on with helping other people. What I didn’t realise was that MissionPossible2012 was really all about getting myself through the process – a process I had absolutely no understanding of until I had seen it through to completion. Part of the reason I was in such a hurry was because I believed ‘it’ would all be over by the end of 2012 but now I can see with absolute clarity that ‘it’ will only actually begin after the event, in the Spring of 2013. And I have also come to see that there is absolutely no urgency and no deadline to try to meet, because everything is unfolding exactly as it should

So, it seems this blog has fulfilled its mission 17 days ahead of time as I am already preparing for what comes next, for Imbolc 2013 and the Returning Goddess. It would also seem that the blog MissionPossible2012 is ready to evolve into something new... so watch this space!


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