2012: The Big Picture

Yesterday I realised two major things. Firstly, that the Ascension is a birthing process; I have literally been experiencing 'giving birth' to my Self over the last 18 months. On an micro/personal level, this is what each individual soul must go through in order to ascend. By sharing our personal stories and our 'strength and hope' with others, we give much needed support to those who are embarking on this magnificent and sometimes terrifying journey. I will continue to do this and hope you too will be inspired to share your comments, queries and stories on this site.

Secondly, I have become aware that everything required to activate the social 'break down' process in Britain is now in place and there really is no going back. Although I am aware that this 'break down' process is in fact global and already underway, things are going to snowball significantly over the next few years and presently I feel best able to comment on what is happening in my own country. I am sure that similar things will be or are already happening in other so called 'developed' (rich) countries, so even if you do not live in Britain, I am sure you will still relate to much of what I am going to be writing about.

I am not trying to sound melodramatic or fatalistic. I believe knowledge is power and I am absolutely sure that this is why humanity has been blessed with the gift of the internet at such a deeply challenging time. I also believe that we need to prepare ourselves for what is realistically going to transpire over the next 5 years because of very real decisions that have already been made by very real politicians who currently hold very real power over every aspect of our lives. I am not talking about aliens, meteriorites or the end of the world, I am talking about the complete break down of society which is being precipitated by those currently in power stubbornly refusing to change.

This isn't about scare mongering it is about Being Prepared.

I have always seen '2012' as both a personal and collective process but I have tried to remain 'unpolitical' in my comments so far. While I have always been politically aware and active to some degree, in my mid twenties I realised that ranting and raging at 'The Establishment' could easily be used as a distraction from facing inner demons. I was aware that I had some major work to do on myself and knew instictively that dealing with these 'inner' issues would not only help me, but it would actually be my first real step towards helping to 'save the world'.

After 20 years of hard graft 'working on myself', I now feel it is time to bring the two together; the personal and the political, the macro and the micro, the inner and the outer worlds. When healing the world, you really can't just deal with one side of the coin, you must find a way to synthesise it all. I still firmly believe that we must always begin with ourselves, because ultimately we are powerless over others. And also, as Maggie quoted in her comments on the last post: 'you save yourself or you remain unsaved'

I have so much to write about it is sometimes hard to know where to begin so I will start by letting you know that this blog is evolving just as we all are and it will now include my thoughts and insights on the macro/ political/ outer world as well as insights and experiences on the Micro / personal/ inner world. And I will attempt to tie it all together for you! : )



Watch this space!

Freja  ♥

'Be a Light Unto Yourself'...

I am so in this process I often don't know if I am coming or going. Just as I come up for air, I get pulled under again...

A recent situation with an ex sent me back into the vortex. There further in to this process I go the less I have to lean on because all my old coping mechanisms (including another incredibly powerful and enduring fantasy about the relationship with my ex) are being disabled or stripped away from me. It has been a very close call since last week's full moon and I honestly have never been so close to the edge of my sanity. I nearly called for the men in white coats to come and take me away... ANYTHING would be better than this.

But what is this?

This is not being mobile as my back is threatening to prolapse again. Not being able to get or stay in a 'normal' job. Not knowing where I am going to move to or when, when I know I am going to have to soon. Having one trauma or 'set back' after another, relentlessly for 18 months. Having everything I have been trying to 'make work' all my life fail stupendously. Realising I have not had a single close healthy relationship with a man ever in my life (just an enormous 'grave yard' full of traumatic relationships I have ceaselessly had to leave behind...) Being alone in my flat 95% of the time and no longer even having a fantasy left to protect me!   

Protection from what?

From THIS, from the nothingness – The Void. I am completely and utterly on my own. I am not really 'attached' to anyone or anything. All my support is (gratefully) received from afar. I have no boyfriend, 'best friend', family member, no job, no project or mission, no plan, no idea where I am going, no sense of anything 'holding me down' or defining me; I am simply existing. I have no mountain to climb, no resolution to find, no problem to fix. I have no individual relationship nor role in the world to define me and every time I try to attach myself to (or even simply hang onto) someone or something, it all spectacularly blows up in my face! 

All that is left is ME. The terrifying panic comes from the belief that without those relationships/roles defining me and giving me a sense of security in the world, I am just floating along a meandering river or drifting with the tide and that my life is completely meaningless. Without the day to day drama of relationships with family, partners, children and close friends or even a job, project or goals for the future, who the hell are we?

While I was in the midst of my emotional crisis a good friend sent me a text with some very wise words...

'Be a light unto yourself;
Be take yourself to no external refuge.
Hold fast to the truth.
Look not to anyone for refuge besides yourself.'

The Buddha


Perhaps easier said than done Mr Buddha!!!!

Freja ♥

Excavating The Soul

What a journey! I feel completely awed by the enormity, the complexity and the synchronicity of it all, the way everything has come together and now makes sense is astounding...

I always knew I was on a big journey but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this. I was always trying to 'get' somewhere, always seeking answers, resolution and an end to all the pain. And there is so much pain and struggle in the world, I honestly don't know how anyone survives it. Yet here I am in June 2012, aged 41 without a single thing I thought I needed to feel OK about myself or my life. No relationship, (well not in any conventional sense – but that's another story!), no glitzy career, no soaring success, no children, and no, not even a big lottery win...

The 40 year struggle to secure something or someone 'out there' has me completely and utterly defeated. Yet, suddenly and incomprehensibly everything makes perfect sense. Despite every effort to 'get my life back on track', every attempt has been categorically blocked. In the space that has been 'forcibly' created, I have set about consciously engaging in a process of letting go, releasing and purifying on a scale that would make anyone's eyes water.

Since the full moon eclipse at the beginning of June, my life has begun unfolding in the most surprising and awesome way. Over the past few weeks I have arrived in a reality that is somehow simultaneously both infinitely simpler and infinitely more complex. I am 'joining dots' and having 'aha' moments all the time, so much so that they are no longer mere 'moments' they have become a continuous State of Being. It's not just one light that has been switched on, it's a whole city! I feel like my mind has been broken open, releasing all the dross and expanding into a whole new way of perceiving reality.

(I began this piece of writing in my journal and then thought this is exactly the kind of writing I need to share on this blog, so I have copied it out for you and will continue with it here on line...)

It turns out my journal writing has been massively instrumental in this recent 'awakening' process. A few weeks ago I was guided to begin the process of going through all my old letters and journals to begin releasing the past and this is some 'guided writing' I found:

22^nd April 2012

'We want you to let go of the past Freja. We want you to let go of all that has happened to you. All the people you have released, all the pain and struggle, all the fear and anger, all that no longer serves you and the identity you have created out of your survival patterns. You need to release them all....

You are split between your old identity and the new one which has yet to fully emerge. Your ego is finding the changes terrifying and keeps trying to throw you back into the familiar old ways....

You need to release all the negative writing Freja – all of it. It is doing nothing but holding you back and keeping you in the past. It is time to say good bye, to 'burn the bridges'. You do not need the pain or to identify with what happened to you. You cannot be free while you carry this around with you. You are not letting it go in anger or fear, but with forgiveness, compassion and release. You need to begin this process now. Remember this is about a DEEP let go, not a rehashing of old resentments. If 'stuff' comes up, you need to release it with the rest.

The past must be burned and released. You need to let go of your identity as an 'abuse survivor' and a 'wounded child' or a 'co-dependent' or a 'love addict' – you are evolving and need to release these 'tags' which have enabled you to find your spiritual path and connect with your soul. These 'tags' were a tool; they helped you identify the problem and find a solution, but they are not who you are in essence. It is time to evolve past these issues and become your liberated self...'

And so, very slowly I set about going through all my letters and journals and other boxes of paper work I have been carting around for years because I felt I needed to hold on to it for evidence. This paper work included my teaching 'portfolio of evidence', my coaching course notes and all my 12 Step work/writing. I have literally gone through my whole adult life – the twenty odd years I have been trying to get over my childhood – and symbolically burned or recycled the lot. I also went through all my books and passed on any I was no longer using. Any books to do with my journey up to this point that were no longer relevant for the path ahead were given to people I thought may benefit or to charity.

This massive 'clear out' brought me to finally address my many boxes of journals. The question was, should I simply burn the lot of them? This idea filled me with dread and also seemed to defeat the whole object of keeping records of my life. I have kept a diary from the age of 9 and I felt my writing had at times literally saved my life – so I felt I owed it to myself and my journals to at least have a read through to see if there was anything worth keeping.

I decided to keep the childhood ones as I had read them many times before and there weren;t piles of them taking up too much room. I also decided to keep all my old letters because they inspired positive feelings. I also no longer felt a nostalgic longing or regret for old relationships that had simply passed away. And so began the incredible process of reading through the record I had kept during my 20 year healing process. I began the 'excavation process' with my journal dated April 1992 for it was then that I had made a conscious decision to find a way to deal with the terrible mess I was in, the mess that unfortunately was 'my life'.

In all the years I have kept a journal, I have never tried reading all the way through, I had only ever gone back to read specific bits. This was a full 20 years worth of writing and I decided to go through it all. I didn't read it word for word, for there were large amounts of ranting and processing, especially in the early years – but I did flick through every single page and decide if it was a page I would like to keep or to release. When I started this project I had absolutely no idea where it would lead me – I just felt great chucking out / burning vast swathes of paper with words I no longer needed to read or carry around with me. It was hugely cathartic.

I was surprised to discover that I was 'over' it all. While a few feelings did come up here and there, as I read stuff that I had felt deeply pained by (even when going back to read it many years later,) I didn't feel triggered, I felt for the first time like an observer. There wasn't numbness or torment; it was simply 'time to let this go' and so that's exactly what I did!

I was also surprised to discover lots of really interesting little gems of insight, hope and sometimes even premonition – and I loved excavating these treasures out of the rubble of my early adult life. I also decided to keep writing about key events so I would have a basic record of my journey. The first five years was whittled down from about 6 arch folders down to 1 and the same again for the next five years. This brought me up to 2002. With only two arch files of writing covering 10 years of my life, I was feeling so much lighter!

The best thing about the first part of the process was seeing how far I had come and realising that I was over the soul destroying pain of it. I really never thought I'd see the day. My childhood was pure hell and I spent my twenties flailing about like a piece of flotsam and jetsam in a raging ocean storm. Even between storms – I still felt cast aside, alone and adrift in a vast terrifying ocean. While I already knew I had come out of that place, it was really wonderful to realise that I no longer even felt the memory of it affected me. It was a huge blessing and relief to get the chance to let it all go...

I didn't know what to expect in terms of reading about the next ten years (2002 – 2012) I had imagined that most of the recovery/healing had taken place in the first 10 years, it was, after all the period in which I had painstakingly 'uncovered' all the abuse of my childhood and by peeling away layers and layers of denial both in myself and in my family. (It really was grueling work and it seemed to go on for ever, but then I did have an awful lot to uncover and process...)

What I hadn't seen was that actually most of the healing took place after the uncovering and that actually my process snowballed after that. There was of course some cross over, but once I had completed cracking myself open and all the pieces of the jigsaw of my life had been revealed, a deeper somehow more subtle healing process began. The next task was to find a way to put myself back together, minus all the 'crap' I had inherited/ experienced and to let go of the layers upon layers of defenses and survival mechanisms I had built up during years of dealing with deep suffering.

I was therefore surprised to discover that the closer I got to 2012, the harder I found it to condense my writing. During the last 12 months I had written 2 arch files and have only been able to condense it down to 1! There is much less ranting in my writing and while there has been 'processing', it  has happened increasingly fast – to the point where I have addressed more than 10 major issues in the last 12 months, all at lightening speed and with almost none of the usual 'fall out'.

I also became aware that a clear 'acceleration' began in 2005 and that by 2011, my journals took on a whole new dimension. What amazes me is that I was completely unaware of this until I read through it all! Up until I decided to read through it all, I had only been aware of being 'in a (strange) process' I could neither understand nor control. I have discovered that somehow, while I was busy trying to keep putting one front of the other, I was also unwittingly receiving and recording some incredibly deep insights into my soul, my life path and also into the 2012 process.

Ultimately, 'it' all happened when I wasn't looking (or trying or striving...) I just continued to do what I naturally felt drawn to do or in some cases was pushed to do by the Universe. It has all unfolded so perfectly that I will never again doubt my journey or that I am being guided to exactly the right experiences I need in order to evolve as a human being. And I have also discovered that although I have received much valuable guidance along the way, both from other people and from spirit – the only accurate 'compass' I have on this journey is my soul. 

I have discovered that my entire process thus far has been about excavating my soul and learning how to 'read', understand and follow her guidance. Now that I have found her and have learned how to communicate with her, I am finally free to walk in alignment with my soul's purpose here on planet Earth. And, seeing as I have kept such an in depth record of it all, I am sure part of my purpose is to help others excavate their own souls from the rubble of this thing we call 'life'.

Writing has been a major part of this process on so many different levels and now I am enjoying the process of sharing it with you. I have come 'full circle' in so far as I have finally 'caught up' with the journey I have been living and come to a place of acceptance and understanding that I never knew was even possible. And I am really not sure what comes next, but for the first time in my life I find this deeply and inexplicably exciting!

Freja ♥

Learning to Go With The Flow...

Happy Summer Solstice!

Only 6 months to go...

I really have absolutely no idea what life has in sort... Sort? I actually meant to write store. I am doing a massive sort out at the moment, maybe that was a confirmation of what life has in store for the time being?

For the first time in my life, I have completely let go. I have no plans, no goals, and absolutely no idea where I am going! OK, I have to be honest here - I have spent much of the first 6 months of this year kicking, screaming and wailing against the relentless 'melt down' I have been experiencing. I kept thinking I had finished then yet another 'thing' would come a long. It was like, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! NOT THIS TOO!!! But once the process started, there really was no going back and now that I am on the other side (with absolutely nothing left to let go of), I feel totally amazing. It was definitely worth the pain and angst. I have been stripped so bare that people have been asking me if I have lost weight, when actually I put on half a stone with my wide eyed comfort eating.

I have spent my life being very goal oriented. From about the age of 12 I can remember making distinct, big decisions to turn my life around and/or to focus all my energy on something positive or disciplined. I have always felt like I was on some BIG mission. The older I got the stronger and more urgent the calling felt. (No surprises then that I named this blog 'Mission Possible'!)

I created this blog in an attempt to other help people with the 2012 transition. I wanted to be all 'on the case' with regular blogging – like my usual 'on the case' self. Of course I really had absolutely no idea what the scale of the 'transition' life was going to put me through or that my process would render me completely speechless, not to mention emotionally and physically drained for much of the time.

I have been blown away by the last 12  - 18 months but it feels it is now time to have another go of writing this blog. However, I must warn you – I am no longer on a mission to do anything! I have been transformed by the Gods from Ms Incredibly Dynamic into Ms Go With The Flow which still feels a little strange and trippy at times. Though I believe my own transition is now complete, I am still getting used to living in this very different state of Being, an adjustment which is not at all helped by the fact that the very state itself involves being OK with having absolutely no idea where I am going or what I am 'meant' to be doing... Don't you just love the great ironies of life?

Just as a little funny 'synchronicity' anecdote; someone gave me an film to watch recently called 'I Know Where I Am Going!' - and yes that exclamation mark really is part of the title! I have had the film a few weeks, but only watched it a few days ago and I swear the main character was me. If you too are struggling with your sense of purpose or goals in life being thwarted, you might want to give it a viewing. It is a story about ambitions in love - but you can apply it to anything.

So, all I can do now is follow The Flow and see where life takes me, trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it should...     

Freja ♥

Top Tips for Ascension

1. Release all attachments to wounded, unconscious individuals, trusting their souls will catch up in good time.

Waiting or trying to encourage them to grow or change or heal only holds both of you back. They must feel the calling within or they will not be motivated to do the work required. You growing, healing and being liberated is more likely to inspire them than cajoling them will. Believing you have to wait for someone else is an illusion that will distract your attention and hold you back from spiritual evolution. Be strong! Move on! Do it for the evolution of humanity of your can't yet do it for yourself.

2. Release all attachment to sex and romance, trusting healthy separation between the sexes creates space for a new positive conscious relationships to emerge.

The (desperate) pursuit of sex and romance is the most powerful vehicle for distracting and undermining people and slowing down the evolutionary process. Do not buy into the disempowering myth that you need a relationship or sex to be happy and fulfilled or that it is only in sexual relationships that 'true love' and 'real belonging' reside. Learn to love and honour yourself. Learn how to tap into the Source of ALL love. Learn how to meet your social emotional needs through friendship and community. If you are currently single and struggling with sexual relationships, commit to working on your relationship with yourself until you are ready for a conscious, non abusive, non dependent, equal sexual relationship. Accept that this may not be in this life time and if it isn't it doesn't mean you have failed or that there is something wrong with you, it means that your precious creative energy can be channelled into into healing the planet and you'll get your turn later! 

3. Direct all personal creative and sexual energy into self healing, sharing positive ideas, building communities and connecting with the Goddess.

Do not allow this precious resource to be stolen by ‘energy sucking’ wounded individuals or redirected into chasing the 'mirages' of sex, romance, approval, status, security, money or success. When you align your life with your true spiritual purpose and seek to honour the Earth Goddess, you will find yourself being supported directly by the Universe – you will not need to ‘sell out’ or agree to giving your energy away to those who wish to profit energetically or materially from your efforts. By doing this, you will not only liberate yourself from enslavement, you will also be enabling Source energy to be redirected so that it can be used for the good of the whole rather than the (incredibly obscene and destructive) profit of the few.

4. Let go of ALL painful illusion(s) that you are unloved, alone, worthless, unwanted, excluded, ‘not good enough’ or rejected.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is nothing wrong with you!! You do not have to believe any of these illusions if you don’t want to, no matter how compelling the evidence! And yes, they can ALL be wrong!! When you remain attached to the excruciatingly painful FALSE belief that there is something mysteriously wrong with you, it will trap you in the desert and drive you to waste your precious Life Force chasing mirages. When you choose to identify yourself as ‘the one that nobody wants/loves’ or ‘the one who is never good enough’ your psyche remains wide open to further attack from unconscious and often unscrupulous individuals who will never allow you to feel loved, connected, valued, included, worthy or accepted. This is because it is only by keeping you feeling bad that they can continue controlling you and taking your energy. They will NEVER stop doing this! You must find a way to CLOSE THE DOOR on this false pain and the psychic attacks on your personal energy. Stop giving your power away and remember who you are!    

Freja ♥

Surrendering and the 2012 'Ascension Process'

Well, this really is proof that time is speeding up - I seriously cannot believe that I haven't written on this site since the end of October 2011 AND I cannot believe how much has happened ! I really wanted this blog to be regular little increments but I have been so 'in it' for so many months now that it is really hard to keep on top of the writing. So, rather than waiting until things 'calm down', (which clearly may still take a little while,) I am just going to ahead and write while I can...

Last October I described my build up to 2012 experiences as being like waves that took over me and made me COMPLETELY surrender. This is something I have always found incredibly difficult in the past, but over the last year I simply no longer have the energy (or the will) to put up a fight. Last year I lost a major relationship (and all the delusions about love that I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old), broke contact with my step mother (who I grew up with and had been trying to 'sort things out with' for many years), and suffered a prolapsed disc which put me in hospital for a week led to major spinal surgery. In all these scenarios I actually felt a tremendous release which I find still incredibly difficult to describe. (See older posts for more details.)

In addition to these seemingly traumatic experiences, which were all about letting go of HUGE stuff that had been holding me back all my life, I also had some amazing spiritual 'opening up' and 'downloading' experiences. Then at the end of 2011, a few weeks after my last post, I hit a massive emotional wall which was a lot more difficult to contend with than all the rest of 2011 put together because of the sheer depth of despair I was experiencing and there being no obvious event to attribute it to. I was swinging from feeling suicidal to homicidal on a daily basis and felt like I had been 'taken over' by dark feelings that just didn't seem to belong to me. Well, it turns out I had been 'infultrated' by the pharmecutical pain killers I had recently stopped taking - I just didn't realise that was what it was for about two months...

Although this emotional tail spin was essentially drug induced, it turned out to be a major part of the 'clearing out' process which accompanies the '2012 shift' - otherwise known as the acension process. I soon noticed that the last time I had felt that level of pain was when I had an emotional breakdown at the age of 18. I was able to spend time reflecting on this, thankfully with some detachment despite the intensity of the feelings. Part of the healing came from the fact that this time round I didn't  have to hide my pain and was therefore able to deal with it and get the support I needed. Most importantly, even though I didn't really understand what was happening while I was in the process, I trusted absolutely that I would come through to the other side and that everything would be OK.

When I was a traumatised teenager who was kicked out of home (through no fault of my own) while already in a state of accute emotional pain, I just had to keep going with absolutely no support from anyone and no idea how I was ever going to get through it. Ironically it was that terrible pain and isolation coupled with my unwavering determination to not 'let go' (for fear that I would not make it) that got me to this point today. It was then that I began my spiritual journey of self discovery and healing. It really was 'do or die' and thankfully I chose to 'do' or I don't think I would have survived. But this time there was no need to 'do' or 'try' or fight against anything - because that awful struggle is over and I can thankfully completely surrender and finally LET GO. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Breathe a huge sigh of relief with me!)  

So anyway, here we are already 3 months into 2012. You'll be pleased to know that I managed to process the emotional wall and come out of the other side. (Thankfully I wasn't relying on my GP - they were no more help this time than they were in 1989, which I find absolutely shocking.)

So far 2012 has brought some very interesting positive developments in my life, though as you can probably imagine I am slightly wary about any developments at all after last year! (What may I ask, could the Universe be throwing at me next? Something GOOD? Are we SURE?!!) Actually, I have adopted a much more philosophical and balanced approach to life on both the 'positive' and 'negative' ends of the spectrum, so when faced with the posibility of something good happening, I no longer get all excited and throw myself in the deep end which was always how I 'embraced' life before. It isn't that negativity or cynicism that has finally got the better of me, something much more healthy has calmed me down; something that is often refered to as non attachment.

This isn't a feined 'I don't care' or an offensive 'whatever' attitude - the kind of protective mask we can sometimes hide behind to stop ourselves getting hurt. No, this is actually something much more profound and empowering because it is rooted in a genuine knowledge that whatever happens, it will be OK. Call it faith in God/dess, call it trusting life, or call it being older and wiser - I just know things will work out for the best and that I don't have to make it happen. (i.e. push, try, beg, plead, barter, manipulate, cajole, etc etc)

I am no longer afraid of losing anything or anyone, least of all some thing/one that the Universe knows I no longer need. There is absolutely no point in hanging on to anything or anyone - they will either stay or they will go, it will either happen or it will not. And, in the end - it really doesn't matter either way because what is truly yours will always be yours, or will find a way back to you, no matter what you do. And what isn't yours, won't stick around - and now it is time to let it go... It really is that simple!

So yes, there have been some interesting, unexpected and very surprising developments in my life. I am currently taking things one day/step at a time so I can watch how events unfold and respond appropriately, while enjoying this wonderfully calm, balanced new approach to life...

Freja ♥