Trusting the Divine Plan

So this is what it is all about – it is about going with the flow. It is about paying attention and allowing things to unfold in their own time. It's about not having any agenda and not knowing how or where or when. It is about being completely open to Life and trusting something else is working through us. It is about being completely guided, not having any plan at all. But this is incredibly scary because it is about completely relinquishing my own will, (and I have an incredibly strong one!) and about dropping all attempts to control or direct my life. It is about aligning with Spirit so that Spirit leads me, rather than me trying to get Spirit to give me what it is I think I want or need, or to help me do what I think I should be doing.

As I go deeper into this letting go, I am becoming more aware of a deep underlying anxiety. It manifests as hyper sensitivity and alertness. I notice my muscles contracting, my breathing being tight and shallow. I become fixated on my health or solving a problem or worrying about the future, something which sometimes I do not even dare to think about. I know I am letting go and trying to hold on all at the same time. Or rather, my Conscious Self is letting go and my unconscious self is in a state of deep terror and recurrent waves of anxiety. I thought letting go it would be a clear moment, a specific event but it is not – it is a continual, gradual process. 

I want to be relaxed. I want to go with the flow – something I experience much of the time. But it threatens something deep inside me, so I am letting go, letting go, letting go - then suddenly I find I am gritting my teeth again. I realise I am going deeper and deeper into it, getting further and further away from all that feels safe and familiar – all those self imposed limits and strategies for staying in control. Part of me refuses to let go, or rather, I find myself contracting again as if my very life was at stake.

I know there is no way back to the way things were. My Conscious Self understands this and totally embraces it; but my ego thinks I must be about to fall. My ego wants it all to be over, to get back to feeling like I am standing on tried and tested solid 'real' ground. But now I am floating freely, joyously even, but not yet completely trusting that I am not going to come crashing down at any moment to hit the ground with a thud. I accept my fears and gently allow myself to adjust to this new reality, to accept that this floating sensation is is what it feels like to let go, to surrender completely. I strengthen my faith in The Divine Plan and my trust that when I let go I can be safely carried to where ever I need to go.

Every day is a genuine new adventure, every step a journey deeper into the unknown.... and scary as it is, this is what it means to truly live.

Freja ♥

Learning to Go With The Flow...

Happy Summer Solstice!

Only 6 months to go...

I really have absolutely no idea what life has in sort... Sort? I actually meant to write store. I am doing a massive sort out at the moment, maybe that was a confirmation of what life has in store for the time being?

For the first time in my life, I have completely let go. I have no plans, no goals, and absolutely no idea where I am going! OK, I have to be honest here - I have spent much of the first 6 months of this year kicking, screaming and wailing against the relentless 'melt down' I have been experiencing. I kept thinking I had finished then yet another 'thing' would come a long. It was like, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! NOT THIS TOO!!! But once the process started, there really was no going back and now that I am on the other side (with absolutely nothing left to let go of), I feel totally amazing. It was definitely worth the pain and angst. I have been stripped so bare that people have been asking me if I have lost weight, when actually I put on half a stone with my wide eyed comfort eating.

I have spent my life being very goal oriented. From about the age of 12 I can remember making distinct, big decisions to turn my life around and/or to focus all my energy on something positive or disciplined. I have always felt like I was on some BIG mission. The older I got the stronger and more urgent the calling felt. (No surprises then that I named this blog 'Mission Possible'!)

I created this blog in an attempt to other help people with the 2012 transition. I wanted to be all 'on the case' with regular blogging – like my usual 'on the case' self. Of course I really had absolutely no idea what the scale of the 'transition' life was going to put me through or that my process would render me completely speechless, not to mention emotionally and physically drained for much of the time.

I have been blown away by the last 12  - 18 months but it feels it is now time to have another go of writing this blog. However, I must warn you – I am no longer on a mission to do anything! I have been transformed by the Gods from Ms Incredibly Dynamic into Ms Go With The Flow which still feels a little strange and trippy at times. Though I believe my own transition is now complete, I am still getting used to living in this very different state of Being, an adjustment which is not at all helped by the fact that the very state itself involves being OK with having absolutely no idea where I am going or what I am 'meant' to be doing... Don't you just love the great ironies of life?

Just as a little funny 'synchronicity' anecdote; someone gave me an film to watch recently called 'I Know Where I Am Going!' - and yes that exclamation mark really is part of the title! I have had the film a few weeks, but only watched it a few days ago and I swear the main character was me. If you too are struggling with your sense of purpose or goals in life being thwarted, you might want to give it a viewing. It is a story about ambitions in love - but you can apply it to anything.

So, all I can do now is follow The Flow and see where life takes me, trusting that life is unfolding exactly as it should...     

Freja ♥