Since I began writing this blog, my understanding of 2012 and the objectives
of this website have evolved beyond all recognition. Initially I thought I was
going be recording insights and general observations while encouraging others
to take on the 2012 ‘spiritual challenge’. However, almost as soon as I
committed to writing MissionPossible2012, my personal world began falling apart
on a major scale. Suddenly I found myself right in the middle of the 2012
process instead of simply observing it. I wonder if perhaps unconsciously I
had committed to writing this blog to help me remain conscious during the
challenging process I was about to undertake...
A few weeks after I began this blog, I had a major break up with Mr
Wonderful – the ‘spiritually aware’ man I felt I had been waiting for all
my life. After two years together, I was devastated to discover our
relationship was a long way from ‘conscious’ but rather it was based on mutual
dependency which was cleverly covered up with fantasy and illusion. Then soon after we split, I
reached breaking point with (most of) my family and finally walked away after
years of trying to work things out and find a resolution. Shortly after
this I suffered a second severe prolapsed disc that landed me in hospital and
required urgent spinal surgery. When I came out of hospital to recuperate in
October 2011, I thought I had reached rock bottom in my life and would soon be on the
way back up, just in time for the arrival of 2012. I thought there
couldn’t possibly be any more for me to have to face up to and deal with. How
wrong was I!!!
I began
2012 with the worst depression and anxiety of my life. I had severe mood swings
which went from suicidal to homicidal and I felt complete terror whenever I
thought about my future. Though these feelings were triggered by my
hospitalisation and all the painkillers, all they had done was lift the
lid and reveal the underlying hopelessness and pain I had been carrying deep
within me since childhood. I felt like I had fallen off the edge of the earth.
I had no sense of security, purpose or direction and I felt completely powerless
to do anything about it. I couldn’t believe I had been struggling with my
healing for over 20 years only to end up single, childless, jobless and
incapacitated the age of 40. Hardly a Beacon of Light for
Humanity!
In this sorry
state I psychically ‘called’ an ex. Sure enough, 5 weeks later I received an email.
We had not had any contact for about three years, but he had searched for me online and found my email address. In 2007 I had resolutely walked away from our (extremely)
dysfunctional on-off relationship in search of Mr Wonderful. However, I had not yet reached an inner resolution; I
had simply put my intense desire for him in a securely padlocked box and hidden it under the bed
for safe keeping. Despite the enormous difficulties in our relationship, I still held
onto our ‘special’ psychic bond and believed us to be soul mates that just
couldn’t be together in the physical world.
I would have never psychically called him to
me if I hadn’t have been in such a weakened state, but as it turned out, I
did need to take that carefully stored box out from under the bed and take another
look inside. When he contacted me I wasn’t at all surprised and though I was
extremely wary of getting involved again, I made the decision to consciously engage with my desire to
find out what it was really made of. When I opened my heart to him
without reservation I discovered to my dismay that our special bond was yet
another fantasy based on dependency and power struggles that I was no longer
interested in. So after eight years of intense attraction, I was finally
able to let him go.
In 12 months I had lost the two most significant
loves of my life. Once I let them go I found that I also lost the flame of inner desire, something
that had been keeping me going all through my adult life. Never had I felt so completely
and utterly cut off from the opposite sex. As this second relationship came to a final
close, I knew that I had to move house and find a way to sort out my working
life and finances, so when my back started to get bad again, I plummeted into
an even deeper level of despair. On one level I understood I must still be in the process, it’s just I just couldn't understand what God wanted from me – it was
like I was being asked to survive on thin air. I truly felt that if things were to keep going the way they were, I just wasn’t going to make it.
At the end
of August 2012 I finally did hit rock bottom, a rock bottom I discovered, that had been
following me around like a shadow since childhood. I had spent my life trying to out smart it,
but it was always there right beside me. I had to face my deepest fears and I
had to have everything in my life stripped away from me before I would be able to do it. I had asked for this experience because I wanted to heal and
I was clearly ready for it, but that didn’t stop my terrified ego fighting every
step of the way. But on the 23rd of August, I finally gave in to it;
I allowed myself to die. I realised I
didn’t need to physically die to bring my suffering to a final conclusion, I
saw that I could allow myself to die and be reborn on a spiritual level. All I
had to do was give up the struggle to
survive and control and hand myself and my life over completely to the care of The Goddess.
For nearly
2 years I was gripped in Her birth canal being squeezed with
increasingly excruciating, terrifying contractions. Somehow I had managed to survive
the re-birthing process and I am sure that being aware of the 2012
Ascension process provided me with an anchor. As soon as I had completed my re-birthing,
my life began to move forward again. I still didn’t have any idea where I
needed to be or what I needed to be doing, so I asked for guidance and waited. Within three weeks I received three dreams all showing me that I needed to move back to
Bristol, so I figured that this was whaty I must do. I had very mixed feelings about doing this but I had put my life into
the hands of The Goddess and trusted the guidance I was given. Within
two months of my Shamanic death, I was welcomed back to Bristol with open arms and my back was
better than it had been in over 3 years.
Though the actual
move unfolded perfectly, inwardly I was screaming. I had been holed up by myself
in the countryside for months on end spending most of my time connecting with nature,
Spirit and myself. Despite my isolation and foreboding about the future, I actually
felt extremely comfortable and safe in my cosy flat surrounded by trees and beautiful
countryside. I was feeling extremely sensitive, anti social and resistant and yet
Spirit was clearly guiding me to move to back to the city. When I first arrived
I felt like a new born overwhelmed with the noise and the lights and the
people, and like a new born I screamed and cried with the shock. But I knew in my heart that I was exactly
where I was meant to be and that in time I would adjust...
All the time I have been writing this blog I have been wanting to get my own process ‘out of the way’ so I could get on with helping
other people. What I didn’t realise was that MissionPossible2012
was really all about getting myself
through the process – a process I had absolutely no understanding of until I had
seen it through to completion. Part of the reason I was in such a hurry was
because I believed ‘it’ would all be over by the end of 2012 but now I can see
with absolute clarity that ‘it’ will only actually begin after the event, in the Spring of 2013. And I have also come to see
that there is absolutely no urgency and no deadline to try to meet, because everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
So, it seems this
blog has fulfilled its mission 17 days ahead of time as I am already preparing for what comes next, for Imbolc 2013 and the Returning Goddess. It would also seem that the blog MissionPossible2012 is ready to evolve into
something new... so watch this space!
Freja ♥
No comments:
Post a Comment